However, they do pick British Sea Power out of a line-up every time. I am, of course, referring to the band from Brighton, England, British Sea Power, who play an extremely loud version of Brit-Power-Pop with just the slightest traces of twee thrown into the mix. Unfortunately, for our ears, BSP brought an arena-sized show to a sparsely populated beer hall. Unfortunately for us (myself, Her Mims, Etouffe and my friend Christian, who may be a Muslim) also, they dispensed with wearing their traditional British Navy garb. The brothers Wilkinson, Yan and Hamilton (their noms de guerre) performed in odd head gear. Yan wore an Axel Rose head scarf/ disheki and Hamilton wore a tinfoil helmet. Everything went eardrum-smashingly well until their final number, known only as “A” on the set list. They ended in a noise jam that went on for about 30 minutes too long that included guitarist Martin Noble joining the crowd and having people “jump rope” with his amp cord (including our possible Muslim chum, Christian.) Noble also pulled a microphone and stand into the waning crowd and encouraged people to shout into it. More tedious than enjoyable, it also meant no obligatory encore. Opening act, The Rosebuds, put on a spirited show as well. The husband/wife team from North Carolina even managed to put a little Phil Collins into their Zombies-inspired organ pop. It was pleasing to all, except Etouffe, who is irrationally afraid of zombies. Set opener, Jeffrey Lewis has friends in high places.

Hailing from the coastal town of Brighton, England, BSP sings a lot about environmental issues. Download “Larson B” immediately. In fact, buy all of their CDs. You can’t go wrong. Here are Yan and Hamilton performing:

* Apologies for the Monty Python para-phrase.

If you’re only going to see one movie this week, then speed walk to your nearest omniplex to catch Indiana Jones and the Search for Spock’s Crystal Skull. The movie is the latest Lucas/Spielberg collaboration that involves Indiana Jones, space aliens, greasers and Ewoks (sort of – yub yub.) It has been 19 years since the last Indiana Jones movie, but the 65-year-old Harrison Ford (pictured with co-star Karen Allen outside the Capitol) is up for the task of playing an action star. He beats up Russians, he out runs bullets and an atomic bomb, he survives 3 waterfalls and even smacks Beowulf around. He even finds out he’s Shia the Beef’s daddy-o. Spoiler alert! (Oh, wait, is that supposed to go in front of the spoiled news?) Anyway, the implausible plot does nothing to detract from the fun movie that breezes along at around 5 hours. And by implausible, I mean, a tenured professor gets pushed out of a university? Really? On what planet?

Hey, this movie is the perfect cure for those high gas prices? How? You have to drive to an air-conditioned theater. Dammit! I forget about that. Anyway, it is a fun little action flick and Ford is still a delight in a fedora.

They (Fox News) say old people don’t matter anymore. Well, Harrison Ford proves them (Fox News) wrong. And by the way, didn’t Hillary “win” Indiana? Just checking.

It only took presumptive Democratic Nominee Barack Muhammad Ali Obama 1 day to respond to an allegation from George W. Bush that he would “appease” terrorists in the same manner that France “appeased” Hitler. Obama called the “President’s” remarks “fear-mongering” and “incorrect.” At last count, it has been 1,320 days since John Kerry did not respond to George W. Bush’s assertions that he would “hug” Osama Bin Laden if given a chance to meet the 9/11 mastermind in a San Francisco bath house. So there you have it: Obama is a better candidate for president than John Forbes Kerry. Hoozah.

Interestingly, though, we at le Philistine just recently found out that this is actually actor Dennis Haysbert and not presumptive Democratic nominee, Barack Rumi Obama. In our defense, they are both in a lot of television commercials which we usually mute. It was a less than honest mistake and we apologize. Hopefully this will make both Mrs. Haysbert and Mrs. Obama proud of America. Oops. That’s All State’s stand.

Finally, this note from our Hollywood Bureau. “Iron Man” continues to “steel” the box office receipts and Robert Downey, Jr. continues to elude police. We can only assume this new success in his film career has lead the troubled actor back into the arms of Lady C - the El Grande Cocaina. Best of luck, Bobby. We anticipate you being replaced in “Iron Man II: The Search for Spock” by Matthew Perry.

From Anna Nicole’s dream ride to Britney’s skin head to Tom Brady’s love child, 2007 was quite “amazing.” Or, at least, that is how it has been described. Never one to put hyperbole on the backburner, Hollywood elite, political effete and the vapid-minded everywhere chose one word over every other as the go-to adjective to describe their meals, their children, their visits to Darfur and, especially, their “journeys” – be they of self-discovery or otherwise. “Amazing.” Once a word used to describe grace, has now bounced into the lexicon of impact catch-all. How can one sum up the totality of feelings, thoughts and spirit that goes into living each and every moment? “Amazing.”

When asked to comment about being named lephilistine Word of the Year, Amazing said, “Phenomenal.” Uh-oh.

Speaking of amazing, look who almost accepted my proposal of marriage: Neko Case. Wowwee! Actually, I was, to the mortification of her Mims, starstruck. I couldn’t speak. Only one other time was I such a bumbling fool in front of a celebrity. I met the late, great short story writer Raymond Carver after a lecture and could only say, “me. like. words.” I even offered him some Johnny Walker Red if he would just join me at my Chevette. Which was a classy move because he was a recovering alcoholic at the time. In my defense, I was only 19 and offering writers scotch seemed like the right thing to do.

But back to Neko. There comes a time in the life of every stalker when the synergy of obsessed fan and well-meaning celebrity come together to form the perfect cheer. She certainly put on one of the great shows of 2007. With backing band the Sadies and best friend/ back-up singer Kelly Hogan (and wanna stand-up) she did a 2-hour set at a refurbished old-timey theatre that was a delight from beginning to why-did-it-have-to end. Ah, at least I got a clump of her auburn locks before security tazed me, bro.

Of course, 2007 will most certainly be remembered for producing 20 presidential candidates all of whom spent much of the year underwhelming the electorate. Well, 19 of them. Ron Paul actually picked up a large swath of the lunatic fringe who seemed to be enthralled by his crazy old man theatrics. “Get off my lawn.” I have been seeing Ron Paul bumper stickers and yard signs all over my city for nearly a year, and our primary isn’t until the end of April. What gives? I know pot-heads support anyone who claims to be a Libertarian, but come on. How can Paul be a Libertarian when he doesn’t support women’s reproductive rights? Plus, he doesn’t accept Evolution as fact. So he bitches about Iraq. So what. So does Ben Affleck but nobody is voting him. They aren’t, are they?

We are not quite at the half way mark yet, but I’m starting to look like quite the genius for predicting a President McCain last May. Of course, lost in the all of the hoopla of America voting for a woman, an African-American or someone with mental illness, is the fact that yet again no one is voting for an Italian-American. What gives? Italian-Americans have given so much to this country: Jersey, Vegas, the best parts of the Rat Pack, concrete, organized labor, quality knock-off designer clothes and accessories. Why no votes for compadre Rudy?

Sure, a lot can be said about Rudy only campaigning in Florida and ignoring every other state, but I say “fungol!” This prince, who stood up to the terrorists on 9/11 by holding up a bullhorn at ground zero earned our respect. And if we’re not going to elect someone whom we respect, then who the hell are we going to elect? Capeche?

Which brings us to Barack Hussein Al Jazeera Sultan Sinbad Obama. What a wind bag! And I mean that in the best possible sense. “We are the Change!” Which is so much better than “We are the World.” “We are the Change We can be.” Says it all, folks. Well, we can’t be some other kind of change, can we? That’s just stupid. “Can you make Change for a twenty?” Oh, I know that trick. I live in an urban neighborhood.

But if you’re like me, rich and handsome and sick of politics (ask me about my grandkids!), then a diversion is in order. No, I’m not talking about a heroin addiction. It’s white water rafting down the Rio Grande! That’s her Mims and me traveling through New Mexico with a boat load of Old Mexicans. Damn, those border guards are right. You can just fish them right out of the river.

Funny thing about our rafting adventure. Our guide told us that she’s never “crashed” into the obstacle in the river known as “Big Rock.” Appropriately named because it is a huge, friggin’ rock right in the middle of a particularly tricky rapid. As they say, there’s always a first for everything. We hit it with such a concussive force that I dropped my martini. Fortunately, like a St. Bernard, I always keep a keg tied to my neck. Soon, cocktails were poured for all.

Of course, another tried and true diversion is picking on aging punk rockers. Here I am holding John Doe’s feet to the fire. I know, it looks like Ettouffee took the picture as he was falling down. Point is, Doe had a lot to answer for. I asked why he “trashed” Kathleen Edwards, who sings back up on his latest CD “A Year in the Wilderness.” Doe said he didn’t, but that some members of his touring bands didn’t like her first record. So he literally through his tour bus under the bus.

I also repeated a question that I’d asked him years earlier about which X album was his favorite. He started to say “Los Angeles” and then switched to “Under the Big Black Sun,” when I reminded him that he’d previously said “See How We Are.” He said, “Yeah, that’s good too,” or some such nonsense. Anyway, he still puts on a great live show if you’re in to those sorts of things.

But you know who does not put on good live shows? Critics’ darlings Feist and Ryan Adams, that’s who. The Fiest show was particularly disappointing because opening band Rogue Wave actually had the crowd at the fancy schmancy music hall revved up. Feist, however, seemed contented to lullaby everyone to sleepy time. Ryan Adams, on the other hand, seemed hell bent on annoying his fans with strange Allman Brothers like arrangements of his songs and Grateful Dead guitar jams that would have made the late Michael O’Donoghue want to drive 10” spikes into his eyes.

Oh, well. At least Wilco still knows how to put on a great live show. And now that the line up sometimes boast 4 guitarists including guitar god, Nels Cline, it’s like watching the alt-country version of Deep Purple. Because they tour endlessly, you have no reason not to see them soon.

Unfortunately, someone you will no longer be able to see perform is Drew Glackin, bass player for the Silos and multi-instrumentalist for other bands. Drew had an undiagnosed thyroid condition that lead to severe heart disease which eventually lead to death at the untimely age of 43. I saw him playing with the in alt-country band Tandy a few years back and then introduced myself at a Silos show. He was a genuinely nice guy and great musician. If you’re going to be in Austin, Texas in mid-March, please attend the 2 scheduled tribute shows planned or go to Silos.com and make a contribution to his memorial fund.

Heath Ledger also died and I’m going to go out on a phantom limb and predict that he’ll win a posthumous Best Supporting Actor Award at the 2009 Academy Awards for his portrayal of the Joker in Chris Nolan’s “Batman Returns.” Yes, you can wager on it via paypal.

Since I haven’t written anything in so long for lePhilistine, as you’ve no doubt noticed, what could I possibly have been doing with my time, besides running for President? Well, I started reading comic books again. Yeah, I know. Save all the middle-aged nerd jokes. I seem to recall Lord of the Rings: Return of the King winning a Best Picture Oscar. Plus, I am doing research for a graphic novel that I’m writing. At least, that’s what I told my accountant.

Anyway, I bought this copy of Marvel Teams Up featuring Spiderman and Deathlok at Eide’s Records and Comics store. The funny thing is that I’m pretty sure that it’s the same copy I sold to Eide’s over 20 years ago. The other funny slash stupid thing is that I think I paid the same amount for which I sold it to them. Hey, I don’t go around telling everyone how to run their business, but how about at least a storage fee?

My sister (gabbonesso.com) has sort-of resurrected Ha Ha! At the Club Café on Friday nights occasionally. My contribution was The Rantings of a Repeat Offender, which can be read somewhere on this site. Let’s just say the audience held back their laughter enough to make me rethink making this a steady feature.

Speaking of audiences, Her Mims just rapped up a production of “Amadeus” at the Public. Here she is playing Mrs. Salieri along with Tony Abatemarco as Salieri. Kudos and Huzzahs to all involved. What a delight! If ever a play should have a sequel, this has to be the one. Think about it: what other trouble could that crazy Italian composer get into? Rich with possibilities.

Well, that’s enough for now. Please visit the music page to become outraged with my Top 20 choices for 2007. Sorry, but I call ‘em like I hears ‘em. Maroon 5 was clearly CD of the Year. In a parallel universe, that is.

Live Free or Don’t!

Shit. Back in this dump. Ain’t no way I’m gonna see “Idol” tonight. American Idol. Greatest country in the world. You gotta problem with that, Osama Hey Zeus, or whatever the hell your name is. This is Steeler country, man. You got that? Even my jail cell is Steeler country. Got me a Terrible towel dou-vay cover. Woo. Steelers. Sucks I’m in jail, though.

Can’t blame my public defender this time. Nope, he told me I was going back to jail. Still, I shouldn’t have pushed him over the desk in front of Judge Judy. But what the piss? Why’d he have to tell her I had rage issues. What kind of argument is that?

I told him to say I ain’t paying my child support ‘cause I’m not even sure those kids is mine. I mean, she already had Tito before I even met her. How come I gotta pay? And she was pregnant with Darlina after our second date. Fuzzy math, man. It don’t add up.

Plus, I’m not even sure I like women, you know what I’m sayin’? Like how come I keep ending up back in jail all the time? It ain’t co-ed or nothing. Plus that big guard said I’m a good kisser. My ex never paid me a compliment. Never told me I smelled pretty or that I looked good in my MacDonald’s uniform. Would it kill her to notice. Especially in front of the children.

Damn kids. Now I’m gonna have to pay like back support. What about my support. You know I’m gonna get demoted back to fries. Shit, I was an assistant manager. I got free refills anytime I wanted. ‘Nother Dr. Pepper? Hell, yes. Fry boy doesn’t get those kind of perks.

Still, I guess them kids are cute and all. Even if they don’t look like me. They spent 2 weeks with my mom and me over Christmas ‘cause BobbyJo went to Mexico with Howard. My mom made so many cookies those kids grew little pot bellies. They looked like cute little pot bellied pigs. ‘Cept Darlina cried when I said she looked like a pot bellied pig. And I was gonna hit her but my mom said maybe she’s crying ‘cause I called her mama a pig for going to Mexico with Howard.

So I said “fine” and I slammed the door and went to Woody’s to have a few rum and cokes with the boys. Too much estrogen in that house anyway. 3 year olds have a lot of that stuff. And don’t get me started on my mom.

She spent the whole 2 weeks yelling at me for beating Tito on the Xbox and eating cookies. Can I help it if I’m a superstar at blowing away zombies and Nazis and Zelda. Damn, I was all over that little shit. Me and the joy stick was one. I was like, Zoom, Pow, Zap. I don’t care if cookie crumbs got all over her precious couch. I was Del Fuego, man. I said, why can’t your stinky little dog eat up them crumbs. Which was stupid ‘cause that dog died 2 years ago on Christmas. Shit.

She started hitting me so hard with her electric broom and yelling that I blacked out. She was carrying on so much that the neighbors must have called the police. And guess who they hauled off to jail? Yeah, that’s right. An outstanding warrant on an old mari-juanita charge. Boo yah!

Of course, the public defender I had that time got me out ‘cause it was Christmas. I was just like that Scrooge son-of-a-bitch. I was like, boy, what day is today? And this dumb looking kid says, it’s day 8 of Chaunakah. And I was like, damn, the angels made me miss Christmas. But they didn’t ‘cause my mom made a ham and more cookies. She even bought me a sweater. Which was nice ‘cause I didn’t get her nothing since my wages had been garnished.

And now I’m back in here for 3 months. How will I ever pass the time? Guess I’ll head down to the gym and see if anybody wants to spot me. Hope Big Guard’s working today.

THE END

How Ostracized Students Have Replaced Disgruntled Postal Workers as the Number One Threat to Americans

As anyone who watches nature shows on the Discovery Channels or Animal Planet knows, death comes brutally served in the animal world by ferocious predators looking for a meal. In the human world of the United States, however, death is now being frequently served by poindexters, geeks and graduate assistants. Add the Valentine’s Day massacre at Northern Illinois University by graduate student Steven Kazmierczak as yet another reason to remain too cool for school What is the root cause of shootings at schools? Cost of tuition, heavy work load, no friends. At a junior high in Oxnard, California, a 15 year-old student was shot and killed by a 14 year-old classmate for being gay. Not because the 15 year-old hit on him, just because he didn’t like gay people. Used to be a time when students only killed each other because they didn’t like Mondays.

A concerned parent in Oxnard proclaimed that both boys were victims? Really? Because only one of them is wearing pennies on his eyes.

In this day and age, there’s a place for extreme levels of testosterone and bullets, it’s called hip hop. No, actually, it’s called Iraq. And doesn’t Bush always say “we’re fighting them there so we don’t have to educate them here.” Or some such nonsense. For hundreds of years, joining the military has been a safe haven for young, gun-toting men who just want to tussle. It still is the perfect antidote for not liking school.

But aren’t school shootings isolated incidents like bear attacks? Not really. Just a day after the NIU shootings and about 45 minutes from the Virginia Tech rampage of last year, classes at Ferrum College were cancelled because of an armed student prowling campus. Less than a week later, a gunman was picked up at North Dakota State University as well as at East Central Community College in Mississippi. Hell, Baghdad U. might be a safer place to be.

And those are just the colleges and universities. Is anyone forgetting Columbine, Little Rock or Mitchell High in Memphis where a student was gunned down just 2 weeks ago? Why can’t Johnny read? More like, why can’t Johnny breathe?

Do we count on increased security and metal detectors to do the job, or do we place a greater emphasis on psychological evaluations? Students at Penn State University would like to take matters into their own hands. They have petitioned the university to allow students to carry concealed weapons in order to prevent attacks in classrooms.

That’s right: the solution to dealing with armed students is to arm the students. Archie Bunker once suggested that the way to stop planes from being hijacked was to arm all the passengers. “Let’s roll.” Of course, the gun-nut answer is always more guns not less. It’s like the designated hitter rule in American League baseball. Why play defense when you can add more offense. It’s like a Surge for American classrooms. And I think we know how successful that’s been. Seriously, don’t we know?

Maybe the answer is as simple as What Would Abe Lincoln Do? Honest Abe didn’t waste a lot of time at no fancy university. He just lit a whale oil lamp or a buffalo lard candle and read until his eyes got crusty. Home schooling has yet to result in one school shooting. And for our college students there are always the non accredited online universities like Strayer, Phoenix and Bob Jones. Don’t you feel safer already?

Another solution might be mood inducers or mood inhibitors in our drinking water just like fluoride and calcium. Wouldn’t you rather have a classroom of zombies than shooters? True, zombies eat brains but they move slowly and are easy to recognize. If only that were true of bears.

As you’ve no doubt heard by now, I lost the election. I conceded before the votes were even tallied as it became clear to both me and my campaign manager, Ettouffe, that victory was not to be. My opponent had sent out several harsh direct mail pieces detailing my involvement in a Thrash Metal outfit known as Rapevan Winkle. Apparently, that is an inappropriate name for a band if one of the members ever decides to run for Ombudsman.

I wish I could say that by Thrash Metal standards we were good, but that would not be true. Plus, it doesn’t ease the pain of losing an election by an 80% margin. Friends have been calling me Mondale. As for Rapevan Winkle, well, I couldn’t exactly call it a youthful indiscretion. I was 34-years old when I joined as the bass player/ lyricist. Yeah, it was the lyrics that cost me the election. We sucked, though, we did once share a stage with Rumple Stillborn and Mein Whooping Kompf.

Speaking of Etouffee, here’s a picture of us in New Orleans this past April having breakfast shots of Jaegermeister in front of perhaps the gayest bar on Bourbon Street. (Again, didn’t help the campaign). We had decided to take the ladies to the Big Crappy because apparently we hadn’t been perspiring enough. Oh my god, why is it so hot and smelly down there? Is that Bush’s fault too? I also think someone put a voodoo curse on me. Probably a zombie. Literally there are hundreds of them walking around day and night.

As for the FEMA trailers, well, you don’t see any in the French Quarter. And as we were advised not to leave the Quarter, we didn’t see too much poverty and despair…unless you count the casino! Ha! I didn’t feel too badly losing money at craps knowing it was all going to rebuild Ray Naggin’s Chocolate City. Hey, I’m always looking to do my part to help my fellow man.

But back to the campaign: here’s a picture of me with legendary sports commentator Jerome “the Bus” Bettis. What a nice guy, until he found out that I was a candidate for public office. Then he threatened to sue me if I used his image in any of my campaign materials. I had told him I was with Jerry’s Kids but Ettouffe had forgotten to take off my campaign button. He also didn’t appreciate me asking him about his steroids use and how many home runs he needed to hit to pass Joe Pepitone. Jeez, what a sensitive brute. On the positive side, I no longer felt gigantic and immediately stopped dieting! Thanks, the Bus.

If you want to see an actual television commercial featuring Jerome the Bus shilling for a politician, then click here: http://www.joewilliams4judge.com/ . If you look closely, you may recognize a certain barber in the background. I’m still waiting for both my SAG card and my paycheck. Seriously.

Speaking of paychecks, what a great time to be a reservist in the U.S. Military this has turned out to be. I mean, most people become a reservist to augment their already meager income and hit the woods and swamps one weekend a month. But, now because of the Never Ending War (sorry, that’s trademarked), reservists get to earn big time military money all from the non-safety of the Middle East. And before you can yell “Cool!” know that even more reservists are getting the opportunity to serve. Why? Because Congress is populated with liars who ran on a platform of bringing home the troops only to cave into the demands of the most unpopular president in 33 years.

Want to talk about punting away a mandate? Over sixty percent of the American people want the troops home immediately rather than in Iraq policing a civil war, and only twenty-six percent of the American people approve of Bush. If my math is correct, the two trains should pass through Chicago around 9pm. Oh wait, that’s a different math problem. However, the point is that Congress should have shut off the funding of this debacle already, but they haven’t because they want to wait until September for a report on the Surge.

The Surge! The biggest bullshit story of sweeps week. More cops on the streets should be working, yet every day more and more U.S. soldiers and Iraqi civilians, not to mention jihadists, seem to be dying. I don’t need to wait until September to get my report. It’s over. Pull the plug. This war has become the Terri Schiavo of 2007. Everybody but Bush seems to know when something is brain dead. Doesn’t he own a mirror?

Of course, who can pay attention to current affairs when future affairs are so much more interesting, like who is going to be the next president (see current essay for the answer to that one)? The 2-year campaign to become president has so far drawn 20 participants, none of whom is a sure thing. If this were a Fox talent contest decided by a panel of three (one of them incomprehensible/ possibly retarded, one of them a meth addict, and one a snotty gayish Brit) we might actually have people vote. As it stands now, well, look out Iowa. Mitt Romney and his magic underwear are on the way.

Hey, speaking of magic, when the boys of The Hold Steady get together does the fun ever start? Ha! Actually, beat poet Craig Finn and company put on one of the best shows Le Philistine and company have seen in a long time. They performed in an old movie theater (without the seats) to an over-capacity crowd on a Monday night. What made it even more awesome is that before the show they had drinks and sushi at my favorite Japanese watering hole. Here’s a picture of me and keyboardist extraordinaire Franz Nicolay (check out that organ on “Same Kooks”) discussing my Top 20 list from last year:

Me: You guys came in 3rd on my list.
Franz: Who was first?
Me: Neko Case. Clearly.
Franz: Yeah, that was a good record. Who was second?
Me. Pernice Brothers.
Franz: What? No way. I hate the way that guy sings. Recount.

I had to give him a LePhilistine t-shirt to get him to settle down. Ironically, it was the same shirt I gave Joe Pernice last year. Ha!

Two weeks later, we saw my number 20 band of last year, The Honeydogs. The Honeydogs, led by singer/songwriter Adam Levy are one of the most deserving bands around for some fortune and fame. Mostly fortune. But it seems like not too many people know who they are. Problem is that they can’t tour a lot because Adam works as a youth counselor in Minneapolis, and apparently it is always about the kids. During the show, I requested that he play the Wings’ song “Jet,” because I’d thought I’d heard them play it before. Here’s how the exchange went:

Me: Jet!!!
Adam Levy: The Paul McCartney song?
Me (few too many drinks): Jet!!!
Adam Levy: Okay, go google the words and music and print it out for me.

Adam had the last laugh, of course. Here’s a picture we took shortly after the show with Adam working the merch table. Oh my stars and garters, but I’ve never smelled B.O. that pungent before. And I’ve done work with homeless people. It was if he had showered with a dirty diaper. And then of course he was real chatty with her Mims because they both kind of work in the same field. Apparently, it’s always about the kids. And The Wings’ song that they’ve covered in the past? “Rock Show.”

One more recent concert of note was The National, who were in town promoting their new CD, “Boxer.” Though I didn’t get a picture, even though I could have because they too visited the aforementioned sushi bar and I did have a camera with me. I already have a picture with Matt Berringer, singer/ lyricist so I didn’t feel like being a backstage Betty. Anyway, they are one of the best lives bands going and a must see if they come to a town near you. The brothers Dessner play guitar like they’re in the Matrix. You haven’t seen hands move so fast since Neo pummeled Agent Smith.

If you haven’t been buying much music lately because you’re waiting on the September report about the Surge forget it and get out there and start shopping. You can start with Wilco’s “Sky Blue Sky” which is a wonderful record even if it does verve into guitar jazz/ Pat Matheny territory sometimes. Tweedy remains the poet laureate of pop/rock. Next stop is Ryan Adams’ “Easy Tiger”, which may be his best work since Whiskeytown got shut down for serving minors. While you’re at it, buy Adams’ fellow North Carolinians The Rosebuds’ “Night of the Furies, which is a concept record apparently about Furies. And then grab the latest literate rock from Scotland’s Maximo Park with their release “Our Earthly Pleasures.” Follow that up with “Those the Brokes”, the awesome new release from Britain’s Magic Numbers. That should keep your ears happy for awhile.

On a music related note, I got to meet one of my idols recently, Lou Reed. Lou was in town signing copies of his new book (something called “Lou Reed’s New York) at our local Warhol Museum. The good news was that Lou Reed was in town, the bad was pretty much the same. While every hipster in a not-very hip town enjoyed cocktails and art and music by guest D.J. Dean Wareham, I had to wait in a line for about 2 hours to get Lou to sign a grossly over-priced book of photos of buildings and food. After waiting in line for over an hour, we were told that Lou would stop signing at exactly 9:30pm. Yikes, I thought, I still had miles to go before I slept.

Still, the line moved quickly and I was just about to get my autograph when Lou went ballistic on some young woman who had the temerity to use the flash on her camera as she took his picture. A digital camera, mind you. I mean, she wasn’t covered by a black cloth and holding a plate of gun powder. But, Lou didn’t like it.

I handed him my book to sign and we exchanged this fan to ex-heroin addict cross-dressing idol:

Lou: (Impatiently looking at me for 5 seconds) What name?
Me: What? Oh, Nick.
Lou: With a “c” or a “k.”
Me: (Starting to resemble Frank Whaley in “Pulp Fiction”) What? Um, both actually.
Lou: grumble, mumble.
Me: Mr. Reed, I’m a huge fan. In your opinion, what’s your best work.
Lou: They’re all great. I like them all. Next!

Here’s the picture I ended up getting. I asked some young lady to take it (even though I knew the flash would go off - oops) and she had trouble locating the press button. I showed her what button to push and then she snapped the photo just as I walked back to Lou. It looks the perfect blend of stalker/fan disinterested quasi-celebrity. Fantastic. And for the record, they’re not all great, Lou. Some of them are available in a bargain bin near you for a reason.

While most of the people in your five have been talking about the last episode of “The Sopranos” and its incongruous use of the Journey song “Don’t Stop Believing,” the real HBO show to watch has to be “Flight of the Conchords.” It stars 2 New Zealanders trying to make a music career in New York, but mostly it involves some Ricky Gervais-like uncomfortable humor and some really funny songs. Check it out, mate, and put another kiwi on the Barbie.

On a final note of business, we will be going to a blog format in the very near future so make your vacation plans soon. Also, my comedian sister is now a shock jock – sort of. She is producing and co-starring  a daily show on a local radio station from 1pm to 4pm eastern standard time and you can listen to her online at http://www.937thezone.com/  If you call in to win free tickets or a truck hat, mention LePhilistine and get a bonus coupon for a dozen wings at Wings Over America. You’ll thank me in the morning.

Ps. New t-shirts coming soon. For real this time.

ESSAY, Summer 2007

Dateline, America – If you are a naïf that still believes that America is ready to elect as President either an a) Woman b) African-American c) Hispanic d) Mormon or e) a Kucinich, then clearly you have not been paying attention in history class.

Americans love the safe bet, that’s why they play the lottery or the slot machines. It is easy to waste a quarter or a dollar, not so easy to be all-in at $20 grand when you need the flop to be a queen so you’ll have 2 of them. Playing it safe is rooting for the Yankees or the Red Sox, because rooting for any other team means cheering on a semi-perennial loser. If Americans did not love the easy choice then why not pick Sanjaya over the Jordan Sparks? Really, does anyone care who wins a karaoke contest that much?

Just like we do not care who really gets elected president. George W. Bush had a resume that couldn’t get him an interview for the Commissioner of Major League Baseball job and somehow he managed to convince millions of people to vote for him for president. Putting aside feelings of whether or not he was ever actually “elected,” we must admit that people we know, friends and family, our clergy, our bartender, our podiatrist, millions upon millions of Americans went to a polling place and choose to vote for him. No, not Sanjaya. Bush.

So why will McCain be elected when early polls show him trailing both Mitt Romney and his twelve wives and Rudy Guiliani and his twelve divorces? Because when Republicans choose a presidential candidate they always choose the dolt, the dullard or the imbecile. They never choose a pro-choice New Yorker, and, please, they’ll never choose a Mormon. In fact, when Fox and Friends starts talking about how Mormons believe that Jesus lives on a planet in another solar system and broadcasts messages back to Salt Lake City Mitt will stand outside of his hair stylist’s salon and withdraw from consideration.

But is McCain dull or dumb enough to be the Republican nominee? Didn’t he graduate from the Naval Academy? Yeah, so did Montel Williams (Class of 1980) and I don’t see him finishing a Rubik’s cube. McCain is plenty dumb enough to match wits with previous Republican Nominees Bush, Dole, Bush, Reagan and Ford. For God’s sake, he still supports “The Surge”. He still talks about “victory” in Iraq like the Shiites and Sunnis are finally going to sign an armistice. Plus he hired the guy who ran ads against him in 2000 claiming that he and his drug-addict wife had an illegitimate black child. How’s that for smart?

Of course, in a debate of the 10 candidates for the GOP Nomination, McCain was not one of the three who raised their hands to exclaim their disbelief in evolution. All right, so he’s not a complete moron, but have you actually read McCain-Feingold? Yeah, me neither. Still, you should know by now that he actually crashed 2 Navy jets before he was shot down in Vietnam. Hell, even Bush could land the things.

No, McCain will win the hearts and reptilian brains of Republican Primary voters because of his war time experiences and his pledge to keep pouring money into defense. Both Romnoid and Guiliani were draft dodgers, and neither has the balls of Cheney to proclaim that they had “other priorities.”

But what of Fred Thompson? Hasn’t he been nominated for an Emmy or something? No, you’re thinking of Buddy Epson. Fred Thompson has made a film and TV career out of playing Fred Thompson. Which really isn’t that remarkable. Most actors do the same thing. Except Matt Damon. I really believe he is Jason Bourne. But Thompson is such a snoozefest and he’s waiting way too late to get into the game to make a challenge. And if he calls himself the star of “Crimson Tide” and “Cape Fear” one more time, Gene Hackman and Robert DeNiro are both going to punch him in the balls.

So it’s academic: McCain beats Hillary in the electoral college by holding on to the simps of Florida and the hayseeds of Ohio. Mostly because Hillary can only employ the same strategies that Gore and Kerry used to sweet, sweet perfection which is to concentrate all of her efforts on 20 states. That gives McNumbnuts a 30 state head start. Even an old man like McCain driving a Winnebago 20 miles under the speed limit with the left turn signal on isn’t going to blow that lead.

Oh, plus with Richie Rich Bloomberg running as a pro-choice, pro-gay, anti-war Independent, who do you think he’ll siphon votes from? Bingo!

President McCain reporting for duty. God Save the Republic.